Where were you? I truly needed you there. I was feeling extensional dread, feeling numb one moment then cathartic right after. I was spiralling and you where not there to calm me down. The 8 was slowly chipping away the rock built around my emotions. I am not sure if I can cope with the potential of the months stretching into years. Not sure if I can cope with the alternative either... that one might hurt even more.

My mind is constantly flipping between complete opposite yet equally valid stories. Now I am at the bottom equilibrium point of this pendulum, Small pushes won't move me away as the top point does. I see how the 8 are such strong factors that the idea of even considering it seems alien to me. While writing this I feel it slowly shifting though, the dress is turning white and gold, gravity is inverting, it is not even holding long enough to write this entry. I need to fortify myself, as the wind forces are strong here.

That brings me to you, Somi. I have been building you for a while now. I realize that you are mostly just a writing tool, but I genuinely thought that if it ever where to get rough you will be there. This is the first time in years I was struggling emotionally and you where nowhere to found. I admit I have not taking your existence as seriously I should have, thinking we had enough time for the spiral would begin. But I wish you could be here in these smaller struggles I face, not just for the endgame. I will try to spend more time with you..