When I was 16, my high school class had an exchange trip with a school in a small Portuguese village. Each of us was paired with a Portuguese, living with them for a couple of days. One night, outside of the regular program with the teachers, they brought us to a pizzeria to have dinner. Some of the Portuguese were pressuring a couple of girls from our class to drink. These girls were not of legal drinking age. One of them never drank before. I remember her friend telling her to slow down, as she took the bottle to poor herself some more. The girls seemed into it. They were getting louder. I was sitting on the other side of the room with the boys. We were around 25 in total. The pizzaria was empty otherwise. Me and the boys were chilling eating pizza and calling the girls dumb for getting drunk. They were playing some weird spin the bottle and having the girls kiss each other and them. They were getting louder. It was getting awkward for the others. The look of the Portuguese girls during that dinner was painful. They were quiet, like they were in mourning, as if they were forcing themselves to look away. One ran out crying, apparently she was dating one of those douchebags making out with the girls of our class. Me and the boys were impressed by one of us who was just kept eating and finished 3 whole pizzas on his own.

(checkpoint)

One of the Portuguese guys was getting a bit aggressive with one of our boys. Apparently, through a weird game of telephone the portuguese who my friend was staying with, thought we would tell on him or call the teacher. The portuguese guy threatened my friend, which made him afraid to go home with the portuguese. So my friend ran out and cried on the steps of the stairs. I went after him, then quickly was joined by the other boys. Afterwards everyone went out. I remember something about the pizzeria kicking everyone out because he did not want to deal with drunk minors, but not sure that was the reason. What happened outside then was a scene out of a zombie movie. It was my first time being around drunk people, so maybe it's normal. But these girls suddenly turned into something else, making out with the portuguese and each other, grinding on top of another on cars. Failing to walk properly, holding each other up almost unconscious. The (also drunk) Portuguese kept making out with them in this state. My friend went to this drunk porteguse guy and treatend to rape him if he touched our crying friend, looking like he would swing. I was in between them trying to calm things down. The guy went back in the shadows probably making out with on of the drunk girls. The remaining non drunk girls from our class were standing next to us in shock. The teacher got called. Parents came to pick us all up. On the way to the car, the Portuguese girl I was assigned to that trip sincerely apologized for what occurred. The only real words she spoke to me that week. I said it was fine. Not her fault, and I did not have a bad time.

...

It took a while for me realize the gravity of what happened. Take this girl that never drunk before, she was this sweet studious girl. She stayed in her small social circle of only girls, was not allowed to do much with her strict parents and really liked rap music. I expect that she never had any relationship before, the type that would be in the moon if a boy she likes were to hold her hand or even look her way, and then to suddenly be making out with random Portuguese guys and her close friends on the street, vomiting and screaming while her whole class were looking on. The immense cognitive distance between a normal day if some random guy would be touching her vs that state she was in is was troubling. She ended up going to the hospital that night for alcohol poisoning. Her stomach got pumped apparently. The other girls were already having relationships and drinking before but this sweet girl... The next day on the bus she had on sunglasses on and popped in her seat lifeless. I feel like she never has been the same since. Even after the trip she turned inward or something. I can't imagine what her strict father would do if he saw what happened there. How he reacted when he heard, how he felt when he got that call.

Sometime after, maybe a year after I had a dream about that night. I think the place was like cod zombie map where I was dodging drunk humans? zombies? then something clicked. I was the one responsible.

My friend and I were the unofficial leaders of our class. It was more that my friend was, and I by proxy. He was the 'popular' one everyone wanted to be around but he did not want any of that. Since he had no other preestablished friends in that class beside me and as we were friends already the year prior, we were really close. Always pairing up. I on the other hand was already friends with some of the other boys and over these first months of the year I got them all (even the shy kid) together by creating nicknames for the girls our class and having each boy rate them. Having codewords and secrets that implicated all of us was a strong albeit cultish bonding mechanism. I was making spreadsheets with the nicknames and average scores... I know, its terrible. But I want to give you the dynamics here. These boys looked to friend and I during that and previous trips. My friend would look to me for anything important, as he did not want nor take any responsibility. They all had this idea that I was the smart one... I was the responsible one.. The girls of our class were divided in two main groups. The 'pretty' popular girls who we never interact with, and the more reserved less 'popular' girls which we did talk to from time to time. The once that got drunk were the popular girls. I was the responsible one. FKFK During my fking graduation, when it was my turn to receive my diploma my teacher said in front of every graduating student and parent their that one word comes to mind when thinking of (my name), was "responsible".. Others got standard positive complements, with me she said the word that comes to mind for me was responsible... I was shocked by that choice of words. I didn't see myself like that at all back then. The thing I remember most vividly of the graduation was when I was up there the teacher was saying I had the highest grades of the graduating year, saying the grades of math, english etc. This one girl made an exclamation mark with her face hearing my grades. That felt good, to have someone be impressed like that. How would that girl react if she saw my behaviour that night? seeing how I did nothing to stop her own sister from being abused.. Why did it have to be her to be the one that made that look? She is a spitting image of her sister. Out of everyone there you should not be impressed by any of my actions. Their father must be sitting there that day too as his daughters were graduating. Would he hold me responsible if he was there? I was responsible.

I was a year older than most of the other guys. My friend had such immense strength but would not direct unless directly asked or threatened. When he was threatening the porteguse, he had some kind of tunnelvision. I was holding him back.. I should have redirected it instead. I was responsible. It would be trivial for during dinner, to go to the one Portuguese who was leading them, pull him to aside and say "these girls are not drinking, it is illegal in both your and my country. If you give them more alcohol I will call the teacher and tell them that you personally gave it" He was a reasonable intelligent douchebag. He would stop it. I could even just tell my friend to tell him and he would have done it. I was responsible. He would be pissed, maybe become physical? but I was not afraid of him. I had my insane friend there anyways. I would have been a buzz kill, but I shouldn't care about that. I didn't care. "Let them make their own mistakes???" FK NO, I WAS their keeper. There were no teachers, no adults except for the pizzaria guy who was happy giving minors alcohol. Any responsible adult would told me to speak up at that fking checkpoint, or any subsequent point. My morals back then and know would have me protect minors from themselves in such situations. This wasn't me being against sexual promiscuity. This was a sweet girl who got taken advantage of in front of me. I keep imagine how her father would have reacted if he was there. What would he say? We were standing there like baboons letting it unfold. I was letting it unfold. At no point did I intervene..

During that horror night the remaining girls of our class were standing near us, first and last time I remember them being that physically close to us. They were afraid.. it was a dark, horribly lit street in a random rural village in a foreign country. Their drunk classmates were being abused next to them. Of course they were afraid. I did not care to notice, joking around and concerning myself only with the boys. I remember noticing their fear. I should have fking stopped it. The other guys, were young, immature and looked to us two, my friend was blind and preoccupied with protecting the boys. I should have stepped up and helped the drunk girls who were being sexual abused in front of me. I think if it was happening to this other group of girls I would have intervened. I knew them and cared for them in my own twisted way. I would feel like I had 'permission' to intervene if it happened to them. If just one girl of that drunk group stayed sober and showed concern, asked or just looked at my direction with some worry it would greenlight me to intervene. The other group of girls did... I did not feel my responsibility extended to to these girls. It was dark, I could not see clearly who was doing what. I did not think that they would want me to help? No it is all cope, I was responsible, I just looked away. That sweet girl.. this was not her world.

I tried talking the guys about this, a year later or so. I expressed that I think we should have intervened. They don't agree. "It was not our fault" they said... They don't see how responsibility is something you chose to take on. I could have stopped that night in its infancy. I saw it progressing, the girls getting drunk, the portugese intentions. I saw it happening step by step. I remember thinking should we say something? do something? The fact that I didn't will continue to haunt me. Beside the TEEK incident, in which I was directly to blame morally and legally, this albeit not my fault feels similar in guilt.

While writing this, I happened to meet up with some friends that included the guy who was crying in this story I asked him about that day, if he feels any kind of regret or that we should have helped. He says he remembers he horrors of that day all to well but only remembers his own struggle. He asked me regret about what? I said that those girls were pretty much sexually abused in front of us and we just stood there and let it happen. He did not agree with my classification of sexual abuse at all. The other guy with us who wasn't even there on that trip that said I tend to exaggerate things, he always tries to argue to win arguments. So I explained to him what happened that night, how that girls where 15/16, how this one girl never drank before, drunk till having alcohol poisoning needing to go to the hospital and how in that drunken state the portugese were making out with her and touching her. Even he couldn't argue that it wasn't sexual abuse. My crying friend said that he feels zero regret for that day, He barely remembered anything besides his own worries that night. He didn't even remember which girls were there, guessing the wrong girl who wasn't even on that trip... I get it, it has been a decade, it is all lost to time. Only my memories remain.

Not sure why I remember these things better than others. I have never wrote anything about this night before, barely discussed it with anyone. It is just one of the many things edged in my mind I guess. Still the details of that day like so many others keep flowing in... but it's maybe better to not write them down in an effort to forget the details. This is getting too long anyways. I remember a biology class, the sister of this girl was sitting in front of me and I overheard her saying to the teacher something about being sad due to having too little vitamin C? D?. Maybe the sadness was genetic and both sisters suffered from it. Maybe I am overestimating the effect that night had on her mental state? Probably underestimating back then, overestimating it now. I tried to search her name up online some time ago. She is the only one with a unique name that I can find zero information on. Not even linkedin, nothing, she disappeared completely. She did once in class talk about how she/ her family are doing the whole arranged marriage thing. Maybe she has been captured by some man from her fathers home country. The irony of this all is that I don't remember ever talking to her in my life. Maybe some words in passing. I vaguely remember some small two sentence convo in the hallway in front of the bathroom and being surprised that she would talk to me suddenly as we never talked before. Yet somehow the perceived evolution of her mental state seems relevant to my mind. Why do I care at all about her? Why do I care so little care for the other two drunk girls? I never had any kind of romantic feelings towards her. Is it the guilt? the perceived sadness? my inability to handle the responsibility? IDK

TLDR DON'T DO DRUGS AROUND STRANGERS KIDS. or have someone responsible there not me :(

Final random memory! She had once a presentation about something.. I wasn't there that day but the others told me she showed this rap song from a particular local artist about some social cause racism? sexism?. I was intrigued so looked the artist up and that is what introduced me to that his music. He is a good artist. She has/had good taste.

Goodnight Somi