When I was in middle school I had terrible hygiene. I knew I smelled bad and people around me indicated or outright said it sometimes. I would be at school and feel this aura of disgust around me and feel ashamed. Not wanting to move or come close to others. During gym I did not give my best, afraid of stinking and others noticing. There a couple of times I remember other pupils saying it. Sometimes a small comment of 'what is that smell' or someone stating that they can smell me.

For the life of me I can not understand why I didn't just shower and wash my clothes regularly. It was completely my own doing. I can't even cope and find an excuse. I did remember noticing that after I showered the smell and only comes back stronger, so thinking why bother. It is probably true that if you only shower once every other week as the smell subsides after a while. But why the fk didn't I just do it regularity??? Maybe I can blame my parents who did not teach me or tell me. Only making some funny comment when I did shower like 'what is the special occasion?' I don't know. I guess whenever I got back home from school it felt like entering a different world. I did not feel any disgust about myself at home, there was no layer of filth around me there. So I would not feel the need to do anything about it until the morning in which case it was late, as I always was late. I can ask myself the same thing about doing homework or studying, always skipping till the last moment. Teenage brain.

Ironic how from all the insane things I have written down this one is the most difficult. I still am very sensitive about it. Even though I now brush my teeth twice a day, shower at least once a day and make sure my clothes are fresh, I still fear that disgusting aura. If anyone where to comment on it now, I would probably still lock up being unable to react as I did in middle school. This one of the few times I minimize the details to make it not seem as bad. I just can't stomach writing the most painful comments others made that still pop in my head from time to time, nor the extend of the feeling but I don't think I could either way if I tried. disgust? shame? watched? idk. You wouldn't get it Somi. You are always in perfect condition, fresh, clean yet somehow full of identity. See you soon.