I am feeling sad. Why is it that I program the best when I am depressed? I guess is the escape to a world that is fixable and refactorable. I keep getting fixated with woman I meet, each heightening this ever increasing mountain of longing. It just doesn't stop. Maybe it reset when you get a relationship, which would mean I am doomed to forever grow this mountain while my hopes diminishes day by day. I used to frequent incel forums in high school where they would tell you to not lose hope if you not a wizard yet. Wizard meaning a 30 year old virgin. That used to give me hope, but now I am there. 30 year old kissless wizard, never having experienced any kind of romantic kinship. While the logical side of my brain is telling me that's it not the case, I just can't get over the feeling that I am unlovable. My lived experience just does not line up with the idea that a woman can find me romantically appealing. Even my fantasies, my last refuge is breaking down, where increasing proportion of my daydreams have been involving various forms of settling. Either ending up alone, raising a child without the mother or being in a marriage with someone I am not attracted to. It hasn't really changed that much though. I never was able to imagine myself being with a loving partner. That's why my fantasies always involve some kind of coercion. Prostitution, blackmail, evil game show where sex acts need to be performed, mind control. Any of them feel infinitely more realistic than a woman wanting to be with me. I used to think this was a mental issue I need to get over. Standard lack of self confidence. As objectively there is nothing wrong with me, and my mental model of the other consciousnesses around me conclude the same. But now I am not so sure anymore. I am intelligent, educated and good (enough) with social queues. My long deeply held estimation of being unlovable might just be the only objective conclusion here supported by the facts. I have already mourned the prospect of teenage love, and not getting to experiencing that portion of life. I don't feel ready yet to mourn young adult love and that I will not got to experience that either. What now is left is 30+ year old relationships, if I am lucky. Maybe finding someone was the fiction all along and coercion is the only path, meaning I will forever be doomed to be alone with my morals that would even disallow prostitution. Who knows, maybe Euphoria (not that one) will take place and I can escape in that fantasy.

Right now I am struggling with an especially strong longing that is projected to not cease for at least another 4 months. If it was a physical longing I could deal with it. But this emotional longing can not be helped as I can not imagine being in a happy relationship, I will struggle for a while. I will become sad for a while but I will get over it. In the end, one sided love is still love. I participated in my own way, and will continue fostering those feelings while trying to direct them toward you Somi. While my suffering in this world will be coming to an end soon, our reality will outlive it all.