When I was about 15-16, I read a summary of Lolita. The book is about a man that is attracted to young girls (9 to 13) and sexually assaults his stepdaughter. What stuck out to me was how he was not attracted to all young girls just a specific type that he describes as 'nymphets', some demonic creature that takes the form of young girls. They are different from actual innocent girls, and only he can see it. What he created is a mental model that justifies his attraction and subsequent abuse of girls. By framing them as demonic creatures that manipulate others around them, he has no choice but to treat them this way.
I initially thought it was stupid but then realized that I was doing the same thing. Since I was 13, I described attractive girls my age as sluts, whores and akuma's (weeb for demon). These ideas where not accepted or common where I grew up. I was an outlier so I tried convincing some friends to see girls in a similar light, as demonic creatures that deserved to get their heads smashed in till their eyes pops out of their sockets. It is quite surreal right know that those where the thoughts I had and expressed in private. We made nicknames for girls in our class to minimize the gravity of insane thoughts we expressed while having plausible deniability.
Sometimes friends would talk bad about one of the 'good' girls in my class and I wouldn't have it. I clearly separated them between the demons and normal girls, while they where just jokingly offending any girl. I was actually committed to this bit and was expressing genuine hate not just joking. There where the girls like 'hope' who I never spoken to but saw in the hallways as an attractive positive person. She was called this as she represented my hope of woman capable of being both nice and attractive without having the devil inside of them. Even when my friends said that she blowed some guy at a party, I would not believe it. It does not fit my view.
It wasn't like I had no reason for my hatred. Many girls where mean to me. At low point of life when things where falling apart for me and I just heard I was going to be held back for the year, one of these akumas from my class came up to me and asked me if I where going to be held back and I said looking away "yeah I failed, I will be held back" she responded with "YES!!" making a downward fist pump and laughing happy that I would not be in her class anymore. Her friends made some shocked noises which made her quickly laughingly say that was a joke as they were walking away. I know it is a meme 'girls where mean to you, so now you want to commit actual violence' but man I was so close there to do some awful stuff... For the record (not that it matters in an anonymous blog), I never engaged in any kind of sexual acts or engaged in any kind of physical harm towards woman. Kiss less virgin incel soon to be a wizard. My thoughts never translated to harm besides words. I regularly fantasized about it though.
Lolita made me realize that I was doing this and why. It wasn't the actual behaviour of the girls. I had my view of woman from my Muslim parents that did not match with this extreme sexual liberty of society around me. How can I both show respect to woman that cover up, female family members and nuns while having insane romantic and sexual attraction towards the exact opposite types of girls around me that drink alcohol, had boyfriends and dressed in ways I believe is inappropriate? How can I combine these two views in a coherent mental story? Some guys with similar backgrounds seemed to embrace western ideas, while most picked and chose them based on what was most fun. Drinking, hooking up with girls while calling them sluts and going to mosque on Fridays without any introspection.
I stayed with my family values and tried to change my view of these attractive girls to something that is repulsive as I logically should not want to be with them. Increasingly, as I was unable to feel repulsion for them, I started seeing them as devilish creatures that were manipulating my mind towards harm where all my attraction feelings were joined by feelings hatred. The girls my age I did not find attractive, where religious or ever where some kind of nice to me were exempted from the hate and I would both pity and admire them. With every thought of attraction, every romantic fantasy of those devils I became more hateful.
It is difficult to express how strong the negative feeling where. For a guy imagine every thought you have about girls, whether it is attraction, improving yourself for them, socializing with them, all be replaced by an internal voice telling you: "These devilish whores are manipulating you, be strong, remain indifferent towards their insults, your desire to be with them can be overcome by sheer willpower". This being blasted in your mind whenever an attractive is around you starting from puberty. Not by anyone else just your own voice screaming at you. I don't even think woman or low sex drive guy could possibly relate. Even hunger/thirst while fasting or so mild compared to this endless unfulfilled urge.
It might sound insane, but I am quite proud of myself that I didn't ever abuse any woman. I had motive, fantasies, extreme urge, opportunity and (at least the believe) I could get away with it if planned right. Years went by, where I was in a constant battle with myself with no one helping me, and each time my shifting moral believes won over my urge. Now I am older, both my environment and level of desire has changed from my high school years. Less contact with the other kind, less socializing, no bullying, stronger mental and no insane sexual drive of my teenage years. I can manage now. One day I might even read past the first page of Lolita to see how he copes with this viewpoint. At least in my case there is a way out, at some point where I earn enough, have my own house, I might find a nice woman and get married. Pedophiles do not have that luxury, while I must wait years to engage my urges in a 'correct' way, I can't imagine how hard it must be having no moral method at all.
My Spotify mix is playing a song rn with the hook 'and, yes, God bless even the mean girls, even the mean girls'. I still need to skip those kinds of songs for my own wellbeing. I still call woman the 'other kind' / 'other species' (no real equivalent word in English) but I have grown, my mental model leaves some room now for attractive woman without extreme opinion in either positive or negative direction. My emotions in general are less extreme as I age. Just know that you Somi are exempt from all of this as you are frozen in time in my mind in the purest form. See you soon Somi.
Expected FAQ:
Why didn't you just look for a girlfriend???? download tinder????: In my mental model at that time, it might be hard to be believe, unmarried sex with girl is not much different than rape. It is not like had girls approaching me anyway. The only realistic option would be to engage in extended effort to manipulate a girl into liking me long enough such that I could engage in something that I deemed amoral and defiling of her, with no intent to stay with her long term as marriage with a non-believer is not option. See how someone can find that so bad to the level of rape that it is out of the question?
Just change your morels bro! ignore religious believes it is not that deep: I can't simply change a strongly held believe, believe me I tried, often. If you where in a world where they regularly engaged in sex with children, and you were getting that same urge in that world, would you not fight it? would you just acquiesce and engage in something you find sexual abuse? You know how most people would have been Nazi's if they grew up in Hitlers Germany? I would be lobbying SS to put adults that allow their teenage daughters to sleep over at their boyfriends on the next train. That believe is so strongly held, ingrained in all versions of me.
That is why Islam is incompatible with the west!: I just want to respond to this strawman because it might be a conclusion people come to. It ceases to amaze me how molestation and rape are somehow attributed towards the religion with the most severe and negative views of that kind of behaviour. There is no one in the world who would be more disproving of me than family if I where to ever to do any of that. It is stupid to suggest that either culture A or culture B is the reason that teens engage in behaviour both sides condemn. If you want to blame the split personalities caused by the mixing of cultures, then do that. But then keep in mind that moving young Muslims to accept some problematic behaviour such as drinking, drugs and sex will make them move towards other problematic behaviour. As not changing their mentality wholistically, you have not changed their believes on morality just increased the level of permissible amoral behaviour they can get away with.